On motherhood and creativity

document your day 5

I'll be honest, here. I've been struggling lately with feeling fulfilled. I'm fully aware of how cliche that sounds. But with a new baby and Matt working hard in the evenings on his ice cream business I feel like I'm in the trenches of motherhood at the moment, and sometimes it's rough. I love my job. I love that I get to stay home and spend my days with these amazing little people, but sometimes I hate cleaning bodily fluids off the rugs and for-the-love will you just be quiet for a moment so I can scroll through instagram in peace while the baby sleeps?! You know?

But really, honestly, I can handle all that stuff. I can. What is really hard for me at the moment is not having the time to pursue my creative interests. Because when you're an inherently creative person, the ideas can be consuming and it's like having a twitch that you just can't quite get rid of. I need to get the ideas out of my head through my hands and make them happen so I can stop obsessing. So I can relax. I read an article recently about creativity and motherhood, and while I can't find the link at the moment, the thing that stuck out to me most was a line that said "it isn't what I'm doing that's the problem; it's what I'm not doing"- and I feel that SO HARD. But I guess that's the point, right? I mean, time is the great equalizer. Money and opportunity and ability are so variable, but we all have the exact amount of hours in our day. And here we are, using it all up and in the end whatever we did with it is what we have to show. And the things that need done may come at the sacrifice of those things we want to do. And even if I WANT to stay home with my kids (I do) I still mourn those things that I currently can't do because mothering these little beasts requires all of my time.

Before someone says it: I KNOW. Treasure these moments, the time goes by so quickly, you're lucky you're able to stay home with your kids, you chose this life, first world problems. I KNOW. Soon the baby will sleep better and things will change. And this phase won't last forever, and I'll try to enjoy it as much as I can. And I DO enjoy it. I have so many beautiful moments that I wouldn't change. But feeling those creative urges with little chance for release is harrowing. So I did this. I woke up one morning staring at my sweet tiny baby in my giant bed, and I got my camera. And I started clicking. And then I just kept going. And by the time we had breakfast I realized I was really enjoying it, so I kept going. This is my spontaneous photo project. A day in my life. The challenge of documenting my day in photos did amazing things for my creative spirit. And at the end of the day, looking back at these little snapshots of my real life moments reminded me why I do this. These are my people. And I'd do anything for them.

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