Matt's Version of the Birth: Part 2

We had our C-Section scheduled for Jan 18th and as is Holli’s custom, she had a long list of stuff for us to get done before that time. Since I knew my culinary adventures wouldn’t be what they used to be, I decided to make one last meal. I made a whole roasted tandoori chicken, a cous cous salad, Naan and hummus (See my previous blog post). We had some friends over and had a wonderful time on our last day as non-parents we would soon find out. We went to bed early at like 9 or 10 thinking we still had a few more days left until our “planned” C-Section.
At about 12:00 am Holli said I think I’m having some Braxton-Hicks. For all you guys reading this, we did not name our baby girl Braxton-Hicks… trust me I tried, but Holli wouldn’t go for it (Maybe she will still let me name our first boy Spiderman). Braxton-hicks are a type of non-labor contraction. I said, “ok,” and like a good husband was back asleep before she could even fire back a response. I then was woken up by some sort of grunting of pain noises and I knew these weren’t Braxton-Hicks. So like a good husband I asked if she was ok and she said, “I think I’m having contractions.” I then went back to bed. At about 2:00 am we called the hospital and they said we could come in or wait a little bit. We thought they might go away, so again like a good husband I went back to sleep. At around five they started getting closer and more painful and we decided we would go to the hospital. Little did I know that while I was sleeping, Holli had the bags packed and was ready to go. Most people would then rush out the door and drive 100 mph to the hospital. My response, being the world’s greatest husband I asked if I could take a shower first. So I showered and we were on our way. We were both so calm on the ride down there. It was kind of weird. Here we were about to embark on one of the most significant events in our lives and we were talking about things like the weather.
We arrived in the hospital and they hooked Holli up to a bunch of monitors. We arrived at 6:00am and at about 8:00 the OB popped his head in and said he had us scheduled for 10:00. We started to get a little more nervous at this point. Before I could blink they wheeled Holli to the OR and gave me some sort of space suit. They told me to wait by the door and they would come get me when they were ready. This is when things started to get real folks! Everything bad that could have gone wrong was racing through my mind. I must have worn the carpets down I was pacing so fast. That moment seemed like an eternity.
Finally the nurse led me into the OR and I saw Holli all hooked up. I went down by her head behind the curtain and held her hand. As she was crying I looked up and saw the doctors working and I knew that this was happening. I was hoping that I didn’t hear a buzzing sound because that is my only experience with operation. The water on the knee can be tricky you know. After a few minutes the anesthesiologist who was by our heads told Holli she was going to feel some pressure. I then saw a nurse get up and “whamo!” She presses on Holli’s stomach as hard as she could. I then hear a little scream and the Doctor says, “she’s peeing and pooping, looks like all the pipes work!” He then says, “Looks like the baby wasn’t trying to change position, she was trying to change addresses. You have a double uterus!” Crazy I know. Next thing I see is our beautiful baby girl and the nurses clamped and cut the umbilical cord. It is true what they say about the baby looking all nasty, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I had seen videos of live deliveries before when I was younger. By the way if you have a chance to never see a live birth that is not your own child I highly recommend it. Who wants to see some other woman’s business that has opened up big enough to fit a baby through? No thanks!
Back to the story! They then lifted the baby over the curtain to show Holli. She was dripping all over her and Holli said, “She’s beautiful!” in kind of a drugged up happy way! They then took the baby over to the scale and motioned me to come over. The scale was at the opposite corner by Holli’s feet. So I went over and tried to overt my eyes from the car wreck that was my wife’s body. They cleaned the baby up and all made bets on how big she was. They said, “8 lbs. 9 oz.!” I didn’t know if Holli heard, so I looked over at her and yelled, “8lbs. 9 oz.!” And then I saw it….there lay my wife’s uterus on top of her chest! It was like a giant peeled tomato with a slit in it! It sat just above the gaping hole in my wife’s stomach. The doctor and nurses were elbow deep, pulling out the most disgusting goop! That image will forever be burned into my skull. You can’t unsee something like that! It’s in there forever waiting until the perfect moment to resurface. Like when you are about to eat dinner or right before you go to sleep. You would then have to watch SAW IV just to see something a little more pleasant and get that out of your mind.
So I saw it. It was gross. I didn’t pass out and I’m happy for that. They let me hold her for a sec and then we walked over to Holli. This time I was wise enough to cover my eyes. They let Holli kiss her and then we went into the nursery. They put her under an incubator and the nurse grabbed some sort of a tape measure and looked at me and said, “Dad…don’t freak out at what I’m about to do.” That is not something you want to hear! She then grabbed Charly’s feet with the measuring tape and lifted her up in the air. She squirmed at first then just dangled limp. The nurse measured her at 21 inches. They then ran some tests and put goop in her eyes.
They let me stay with her for a long time. I didn’t want to ever leave her, but after about an hour they let me see Holli for a few minutes. After Holli was done with her initial recovery we all went into the room. They let Holli nurse and hold the baby for a little bit then took her back for a bath.
The rest of the Hospital stay was awesome! Holli was recovering great and Charly was breastfeeding like a champ! We had a lot of guests and spent some quality time with our baby! They even told us we could go home early if we wanted to. We thought, “Why not?” We could spend less money and go home and be more comfortable. Win – win right? Oh if I could go back in time and slap myself! I would say, “stay the extra day! Trust me! Also, tomorrow’s lotto numbers are…” We then called our friend and Holli’s Co-worker Leonard and he picked us up in a limo! Charly’s first ride was in style. When we walked into our house we thought… we got this! Oh how we were wrong!